Dying

It's amazing how much babies can change your life. For example, I have never been afraid of dying. After all it is something we will all do eventually. That is not to say that I look forward to it, just that I have never feared it. I really believe that when I die, it is over. No heading toward the light, no higher reward, etc. Just nothing. But since April 21, 2005, I have a great fear of dying. That is the day my grandson was born. When my daughter announced at age 39 that she was expecting I was glad for her but it really didn't register how much the birth of her some would really mean to me. and how it would affect my life. He was born with a birth defect that makes him extremely susceptible to infections. Two hours after he was born he was life flighted to Children's Mercy Hospital in Miamai where he stayed for the next two months. His Mother was not allowed on the flight since the birth was a bit difficult (she is fine now). But her and my wife followed two days later. I followed in about 10 days. For the next 60 days, the three of us spent our time in the hospital watching Ki struggle to live. Wathing him everyday and the life support monitors was almost more than I could stand. His Dad visited him one weekend, claiming that he had to work to bring in money. The day we finally drove Ki home from the hospital was a realy happy occassion. The next day, knowing Ki was where he should be, my wife and I left for our home in the Kansas City Area. Several hours after we left, Ki was back in the hospital with an infection. Unfortunately, it was just the first of many visits to the hospital, both in his home town and in Miami. Throughout all of this, Ki was always able to smile - smile with tubes in his hands, and feet, with infections raging trhough his tiny system. Now two and a half years later he still struggles but otherwise is a typical little boy. Every time I hear him say: "Look Grampa, watch me", my heart just bursts with happiness. But back to death. Now I look at the calendar and think: "I'm 66, Ki is 30 months so I"ll be in my 80's when he graduates from high school". If I make it that long. Will I be there when he starts greade school? High School? Graduation? Marriage? Will I even be in good enough health to help him play with his wagons, bikes,, models, etc? Most of that I will most likely miss. And I miss that growing experience with him already. So, yes, I am afraid of dying.